[Just’s a heads up, if you’re struggling with anything regarding body image, this may be a post to skip. What we read can affect our body and minds, so if you don’t think it would be a smart choice to read this post, check back tomorrow for something more upbeat!]
So, I’ve been thinking.
Over the past few months, I’ve never felt worse about myself. I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. I was working out hard, eating clean, sleeping enough, getting plenty of water – everything I could’ve been doing right, I was. Yes, I still splurged on the weekends, but nothing too out of control and I almost always got that sixth workout in on Saturday.
Yet for some reason, my body image was terrible. I felt unhappy and honestly, huge. I would complain to my friends every girl’s night (sorry ladies) and constantly was struggling inside with why I felt so bad.
I also wasn’t seeing any progress with all the hard work I was putting in and yet sat back and was watching people do the same thing I was and they were losing weight so easily.
What. The. Hell.
So there I was, miserable with myself and seeing zero results, which was making matters worse.
I knew something needed to change – but what? What was I missing? Why was I so unhappy?
Then, I went to a live Turbo event. Remember?
I left class that night and I knew – I knew what was missing. And while it wasn’t the answer to all my problems, I knew it was going to help. I needed TURBO back in my life. I had cancelled my gym membership last Summer and recently had gotten an email about renewing with no money down. The next morning, following the turbo class, I signed back up for my regular gym membership.
I already felt better. This was a step in the right direction. I started back to attending my usual live turbo classes with Angie and was already feeling more like myself.
I missed Angie. I missed Turbo and the people in class and honestly, I missed my Shakeology (which I also had stopped drinking). Who had I become??
After about a month of taking classes, I started feeling better. My workout schedule now consisted of turbo, 21 Day FIX DVDs, my normal lifting routine and other random things I threw in there. My workouts, while still intense, weren’t over the top and I actually felt like I was seeing progress. What a relief.
I’m not sure if I had been overworking myself before or what, but I’m finding that these less intense workouts are what my body was craving. Yes, a super intense workout here or there is great, but 4 days a week of kicking my own ass just wasn’t working.
One day, when talking with my brother, it occurred to me that there was a person in my life that was making me feel super shitty about myself. Due to their lack of encouragement and periodic remarks regarding my lifestyle I constantly felt like a failure. I didn’t notice this until I was separated from the them for a period of time.
Then, as the weeks went by, I started to feel like myself again. I didn’t feel so much pressure. Workouts became more enjoyable, food became less of a fuss and I started to accept my body for what it is.
I now look at myself and see the strength in my arms and legs that I’ve built. Slow progression towards a thinner/less bloated abdomen. Defined calves, which I can thank my mother for. A pear shape, that I don’t love, but I’m learning to accept. A big butt that’ll just never go away – so rather than focus on making it smaller, I’m focusing on toning it – squats all day long! I’m learning to stop comparing myself to other women – I will never be them nor will I ever have their shape – so I will keep working to make progress on mine. When I look in the mirror, I’m trying to look to the good and not point out the flaws. I’ve accepted the cellulite ladies, because it’ll always be there – hopefully less with more toning – but always there.
All in all, I’ve accepted that this is who I am and while I’m not perfect, I work damn hard for what I’ve accomplished this far and I’ll continue to work damn hard in the future to reach my goals. I’m no longer focused on the scale or a number – I think my body is over trying to lose weight – I just want to be strong, healthy and comfortable in my skin. Everyday is a small step toward self acceptance, learning to love my curves and being proud of my accomplishments thus far.
Cheers to a bright future full of sweaty workouts – that we enjoy, clean food – that tastes good, martinis at happy hour – that give us a buzz and living a life everyday that makes us happy.